Embracing the holidays after divorce is one of the hardest things to navigate as a single parent. Traditions that once excited you and your kids now become things that feel like memories from another life. Knowing how to carry on with your new normal when life goes on for those around you can seem impossible. Since holidays tend to heighten things and make everything feel so much heavier, having options, like Friendsgiving, can make all the difference.
I was invited to my first Thanksgiving the year after I went through my divorce. A friend asked me to join her and her family and even though I felt weird about going, I went. I’ll be honest, I felt somewhat out of place and a little sorry for myself. I was thankful for the invite but also confident that I would much rather be by myself or at a Friendsgiving the next time I didn’t have the kids for this holiday. So, that’s exactly what I did. Every year, whether I have my kids or not, I get together with friends and focus on making the best version of my grandma’s apple pie. Friendsgiving with those who feel like family has been so healing for me.
Here are 10 things I’ve learned about making this holiday something special.
1. Buy matching T-shirts or sweatshirts. The first year I did this, I ordered all of us the same top to wear and we’ve worn it every Friendsgiving since then.
2. We plan the menu ahead of time and we each bring two things. One dish is usually something we love to make or maybe a family recipe. The second one has been something new that sounded good. Some have been amazing while others have been flops. It’s been fun to try new things while knowing we have some tried and true recipes we can still eat.
3. Wine glasses with a Friendsgiving logo. I ordered stickers from Etsy with the word Friendsgiving on them and picked up some cheap wine glasses at the Dollar Store. I stuck the stickers on them and voila! I had the cutest drinkware to use at dinner and take home.
4. We go around the table and share something we’re thankful for about each person. This can feel kind of awkward at first but, I promise, it feels good, and everyone ends up feeling grateful for the opportunity to be with each other.
5. I always think there needs to be something funny to follow a more serious question, so I like to ask my friends to share their funniest Thanksgiving stories. I have found out some pretty interesting things about my friends this way!
6. Volunteer at a nearby shelter. One year my friends and I decided to volunteer at a local restaurant where they were feeding those in need. It was nice to give back and made me focus on helping others instead of being upset that I didn’t have my kids.
7. Go to the movies. I never started doing this until I was divorced and now I love doing it. It’s become one of my new traditions. My recommendation is to buy tickets in advance because they’re always busy. I’ve started doing this even when I have my kids, and they have joined in on creating new memories with me.
8. Bake extra bread. I love making zucchini bread and pumpkin bread as part of my meal at Thanksgiving. I started making extra batter and making tiny loaves to give away to friends. They’re cute and taste amazing. Plus, my friends feel special when I drop off an unexpected loaf of bread ‘just because.’
9. I cut out paper in the shapes of leaves and stick them on my kids’ bedroom doors with random things that I’m thankful for about each of them. They wake up on Thanksgiving morning (or, when they come back from their dad’s if it’s not my year to have them) to find their doors covered in things like, “I love your drawings.” “I’m thankful for you feeding the dogs every day.” “I’m thankful you’re my daughter.”
10. Register for your first Turkey Trot. I can’t say that I have done this every year but for several years, I have run in a turkey trot. They are usually the morning of Thanksgiving and, all I can say is, it feels better to have run in the morning and then eat whatever you want for your meal. It all evens out.
If you find yourself alone this Thanksgiving, please know that there are things you can do to help yourself not feel so lonely. If you would rather be by yourself, honor that. If you decide that being around people is better for your mental health, then be proactive in setting that up. Pretty soon, you will be making new traditions at Thanksgiving and will learn how to accept it as your new normal.
Meagan Ruffing is a parenting journalist, mental health therapist, and single mom who tries to do her best each day. She doesn’t always get things right but continually strives to do better.