I haven’t decided if I like the month of February anymore. It was something of a given when I was married and I expected the flowers and chocolates from my then husband, but I’m not sure I really like it anymore. Now that I’m divorced, it’s just me and the kids.
Every year that I’ve been single, I’ve taken the kids to Chick-fil-A and ordered a heart-shaped tray of chicken nuggets with fries. It’s been one of the best post-divorce traditions I have started with my kiddos and one I look forward to every February.
So, maybe there are things about this month that I like? I can tell you some do’s and don’ts that I have figured out along the way of singledom that I’d like to share with you.
1) DO take yourself out to dinner with your friends.
As a mental health therapist, I am big on self-care. If I tell my clients to make it a priority, I better be making it a priority, too. At least once a month, if not once a week, I try to get together with my therapist friends and hit our favorite restaurant spot. The belly laughs, endless bowls of chips and salsa, and table-side guacamole always make everything better.
2) DON’T isolate yourself.
Holidays, like Valentine’s Day, can be a trigger for divorced people. It’s okay to be by yourself and in fact, I recommend this to my clients so they can learn how to sit in discomfort, which helps with healing but it’s also important to surround yourself with hobbies, people, and work. It can be natural to want to withdraw and maybe even hide when you are lonely but remember, it’s really important not to get in the isolation rut.
3) DO treat yourself to something you like.
One of the first things I did when I got divorced was to throw myself back into yoga. I knew it would be good for my body but I knew it would do wonders for my mind. It was really hard to sit in silence at times because my brain just couldn’t stop thinking. I often found myself wiping tears away that I just could not stop from coming. The stillness and quietness of my body gave me all sorts of feelings about the trauma of a 20-year relationship with my college sweetheart coming to an end. I knew the warm, salty tears were just my body’s way of releasing pent up pain. So, I let them fall and I allowed myself to feel the scariness of this new world as a single woman.
4) DON’T beat yourself up over what could have been.
The past is the past for a reason. Let yourself grieve; especially when hard days come up (think anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, etc.). Acknowledge the thought and let it pass. Negative thoughts that stay inside of us do not serve a healthy purpose.
5) DO buy yourself those chocolates.
I buy myself a big box of chocolates and flowers on Valentine’s Day because I want to and I can. I usually eat the chocolates in my bed and divide the flowers into two vases to get bang for my buck. I put one vase in the living room and another in my bedroom. Doing things like this makes me feel special and loved. Divorce can do a number on your self-esteem and so it’s important to continually build that back up.
6) DON’T go to the store more than you need to.
I made this mistake the first Valentine’s Day after my divorce and I was bombarded with “I love you” balloons, sappy cards, and couples that could not keep their hands off each other. I just wasn’t in a place to deal with any of that and it ended up making me feel worse about myself. I learned that the month of February would be my ‘eat from the pantry’ month. Not only did I save money on groceries, but I set a boundary for myself that was really important.
7) DO tackle new projects.
You know those projects your spouse used to do? Yeah, do those. You’ll be amazed at what you can do when you have to. Get yourself a toolbox.
8) DON’T compare yourself to others.
There’s no good that can come from this. It’s an easy trap to fall into but trust me, your path is unique to you and will become your fight song.
DO look at the month of February as an opportunity to make new traditions, catch up with old friends, and rest. Make this month be whatever you need it to be. Try not to get hung up on Valentine’s Day being a day where you are reminded that you’re alone. Instead, look at it as a day when you can love yourself just a little bit more. There are so many great things that can come from being alone; like learning more about who you are.
Meagan Ruffing is a parenting journalist, mental health therapist, and single mom who tries to do her best each day. She doesn’t always get it right but she sure has fun trying.