Single Mom with Kids
It’s easy for new single parents to feel discouraged and a little hopeless about raising children alone, especially if finances are tight and time is scarce. Both single moms and dads struggle with whether or not they can give their children what is needed for them to be healthy. Half the battle is gained by looking at the situation in a positive light, rather than giving in to negative thoughts. There are three positive ways parents can view their singleness so they can be proud of their roles:
1) I am responsible for my actions and attitude.
For many people, this one brings a negative response because it’s much easier to go through life placing blame on other people for our misfortune, but it is so much more enriching to know that our successes and failures depend on our choices. I am always encouraged when I see single parents emerge from a bad relationship break-up with a renewed sense of self-determination.
There is absolutely no better motivator than the love we have for our children to jump-start us into a new life, even if it requires taking risks or engaging in extremely hard work. Parents, more than any other group of people, will do amazing things for the sake of their children, even if they have been unwilling in the past to make the same changes for themselves.
So, embrace your singleness because possibly for the first time in your life, you have the opportunity to orchestrate how the rest of your life will play out.
Single Dad with Kids
2) I can parent the way I want to!
Many parents break up or divorce because they failed to merge their separate values into some kind of manageable system. Once there is a divorce, parents are free to live out their own value system in front of their children without interference from the other parent.
That’s not to say that divorced parents won’t try to control or influence each other’s styles, but basically, the legal system takes care of that through a court-ordered custody and parenting plan. As long as each are following that, both parents are free to engage in the parenting style they choose. The only exceptions are behaviors that would be seen as abusive or neglectful. In that case, it is up to the local authorities to decide. Unless you can call protective services about a certain behavior, each parent must live and let live when it comes to how parenting is carried out in the other home.
There is a certain liberation in that when parents understand that kids need at least one parent to do the right things in order for them to truly succeed. So, the only person you are in charge of controlling is yourself. Keep your own porch clean and then you don’t have to worry about sweeping up anyone else’s. Now, that’s freedom.
3) I have opportunities to foster appreciation in my children.
Single parents often lament the fact that they have to work so much harder just to put food on the table or provide basics for their kids. Long hours, slim paychecks, fatigue, and anxiety can really put a damper on a person’s ability to excel as a parent. Although this reality is far too common, there is a positive side to living a life that is characterized by frugality and hard work.
Our society today is riddled with what some experts call “Affluenza” and children are the sad beneficiaries. Over and over, I hear stories of children who have come to expect parents to provide everything from weekly spa treatments to expensive designer handbags. And what’s with the need to spend thousands of dollars on the prom?
The problem lies in the fact that parents give in to these requests, creating expectations for even more material goods. This lifestyle is not better than one characterized by a parent balancing work and love for kids. Saying “no” is part of parenting and should be exercised by all parents, regardless of income.
In addition, when single parents work hard, but are also able to see the benefit of making time spent with kids a priority, children typically respond positively and tend to be more appreciative of the effort. Time spent with children does not have to include any cash outlay. It can be as simple as playing a boardgame or coloring. When my teenagers would get stressed out, I would often make them sit down with me and color in a coloring book, which was always a great opportunity to talk with them. Those are special times that no designer handbag or prom outfit can replace.
Diane C. Dierks is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Atlanta, Georgia. She is also author of “The Co-Parent Toolbox” (2014 Aha! Publishing) and “Solo Parenting: Raising Strong & Happy Families” (1997 Fairview Press). For more information visit her website is www.dianedierks.com.