One size does not fit all when it comes to raising kids. Any mom of more than one child knows that every child is different and will react differently when faced with the same situation. They are also likely to react differently to the same parenting techniques. While it is important to be fair to all children, adjusting parenting style to fit the needs of each child can help with their development and long term behavior.
As a mom of six, I have to constantly check myself, and my interactions with each child, to make sure I am using the best techniques to fit the individual child.
I have one child that will almost always do what I ask, the first time I ask. I have another that needs repeated reminders to complete the same task, and another that forgets to do the task, but is hurt by reminders because it makes him feel incompetent. For this child I have to wait for him to remember on his own or ask questions that prompt him to remember, such as “Do you have practice after school?” — which causes him to remember that he needs to bring the clothes he would have otherwise forgotten. How does one go about adjusting your parenting style to fit your child?
Do Your Research
As a parent, you are the expert on your child. Take note of how they respond to different kinds of discipline, rewards, and encouragement. What types of situations are the most troubling for them and where do they excel the most? Read articles and books on parenting and discipline styles, talk to their teachers and other caregivers, and ask your child about their feelings.
This will help you understand their temperament and give you an idea of what might work best when it comes to discipline and helping them face challenging situations. How kids handle stress can be a great indicator of the best way to judge what type of response they need most from you.
I have one child that needs a hug when he is upset, another finds physical activity is the best way to release stress, and another wants someone to listen while she talks about her feelings.
None of these responses to stress are wrong, they are just different. As a parent we have the opportunity to help our kids work through things in the way they feel most comfortable.
Do A Self-Check
After you have an idea of your child’s temperament, it is time to do a self-check. What is your temperament and what is your go-to response when you are mad, sad, and frustrated? How does it line up with the best way to handle those same feelings when they arise in each of your children?
What are some common conflicts or situations that your child faces and how can you change your response to make the discussion more productive?
This process will take some time to figure out and will involve some trial and error. The effort will be worth it when communication is improved between you and your child.
Teamwork
Once you have some techniques that work in place, you must make sure others are on the same page. Talk to your child’s other parents, teachers, and caregivers and find out what is working (or not working) for them when it comes to handling challenging situations with your child. Share what has been successful for you and try to create consistency whenever possible.
If your child is mature enough, discuss with them what they respond well to and what may be making situations worse. Try to be honest and flexible when coming up with techniques that work best for your family.
Adjusting your parenting style to the child does take some additional work, especially in the beginning, but it can help build a supportive and healthy relationship between you and your child. It will also benefit you as they develop skills they need to better handle situations they may face.
Sarah Lyons’ work has been published in Pregnancy and Newborn Magazine KC Parent, Austin Family, Creative Child and over 160 other parenting publications.